Fear and shame will be topics that I will keep coming back to over and over again. Social Worker, speaker and author, Brene Brown said in her book Daring Greatly, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
Our story with hearing loss began when our second child was born. Ayden was diagnosed with mild to moderate, permanent, hearing loss in both ears. I had no idea what our lives would look like. Additionally, I did not know a single person who wore hearing aids. Our thoughts began to spiral to shame and fear: would he be able to enjoy music, connect with his siblings, or play on at the park without getting picked on?
This was our child’s response to the first time hearing with hearing aids.
We found out Sayge, our third child, most likely had hearing loss when she was 2 days old. She did not pass the newborn hearing screening test. While doctors assured us that it was most likely fluid in her ears that was causing the failed screening, we knew that it was extremely likely. That is because Sayge’s older brother, Ayden, has hearing loss. His too was detected at birth. Both children had no other signs or reasons that might have caused the hearing loss.
Three years into our marriage, we found out we were pregnant. We weren’t planning or even trying, so we were surprised to say the least. But, as soon as I saw that plus symbol on that pregnancy test something inside me change. While, still so afraid, I suddenly wanted this child more than anything I could imagine. I had a fierce love for something so teeny tiny. We called our family, we picked up books to read, and we started dreaming of names. I called the doctor to get an appointment right away. I was so excited to see the baby!
In my life, anxiety is a weed that seems to grow rapid. It can feel suffocating at times. When I garden, I begin to slowly pull those weeds of anxiety out one by one. It’s a time where I am allowed to breathe, to heal, and to let go. I allow my garden to be a place where I am the one who set the rules. I become a child, an explorer, and I enjoy every single second I am surrounded those veggies.